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I Was Abducted By Aliens.(Part 1)


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During Lockdown, like many of you bewildered poor souls bereft of any hope for a normal life, my fragile mind became addled and it began to drift into areas that perhaps I should have avoided. One particular morning I woke up with an unusual determination to build my own Hadron Collider. I thought that if I could capture The God Particle by building my own devilish machine in my backyard shed, I’d become a wealthy man and become Herefords greatest ever living citizen.

With zeal and unbridled determination I began to diligently acquire materials and explosives that would enable me to build the Collider and capture this monumental scientific discovery, the legendary God Particle. After banging away relentlessly in the shed nailing wooden pallets together and welding a trigger mechanism that I could belt with my sledgehammer, creating a combustible explosion, it suddenly dawned on me that I didn’t know what the bloody hell i was doing and belting something with a sledgehammer was unlikely to yield anything of any importance.

And so, fully cognisant that I hadn’t got a clue about what I was doing, I went onto Google and typed in ‘How Do I Build A Hadron Collider’. Frankly, the search didn’t reveal much. Most responses were either, ‘We Don’t Know’ or Clear Off You Mad Barstard’. Anyways the point is that when you go on the internet and type in I Want To Build A Hadron Collider, this electronic transmission circulates across the globe and the great beyond.that you might be either off your head or you’re seriously thinking about creating a death machine that may bring about the end of days for all of humanity.

Happily, the security services in the United Kingdom didn’t pick up on my need to build the Hadron Collider. Chances are they concluded the idiot was no threat to humanity and the whole project was doomed to fail. Sadly, beings from beyond our own Galaxy did pick up on my message and for one reason or another they decided to journey many light years, find me, abduct me and work out whether or not I was a menace to mankind or indeed to them.

Anyways, my first abduction, one of twenty six other alien abductions, involved me laid in bed minding me own bloody business dreaming that thirty six gorgeous woman had secreted themselves in my attic.Then, at the stroke of midnight they all came tumbling out from my loft space, burst into my bedroom and over a period of several hours they violated me because they and many other women couldn’t keep their hands off me.

Twas after I told one of their number, Anne Widicombe, the celebrated former parliamentarian to clear off, be gone and return to the attic because she wasn’t having any of my manly love, that my first alien abduction began. All of a sudden, still minding me own business, I was surrounded by a bright glow of searing white light. Unable to resist and despite me screaming, ‘Call the Constable I’m Being Abducted By Aliens’ I was levitated out of the house and upwards into what I believed was their means of galactic space travel.


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