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How do I know my elected leader is an honest sort!


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And when they come a knocking and say, 'please vote for me', you need to think long and hard about who should win your vote and who you'll opt for in the polling station booth.

They'll all say this, that and the other to win your favour and, moreoften than not, you'll cast your vote for the one who you think is the more open, honest and frank with you. That's what we want really. Honesty from the Candidate. But of course, finding a Candidate who you know is being honest with you ain't that easy. Often, after they've left your threshold you'll be muttering, 'can I trust this person', and 'I didn't like the look of him. His eyes were set to close together'.

So, how can you be sure the person you are voting for is being honest with you? Well, today, after contributing to another topic, it suddenly struck me how easy it would be to establish whether or not a politician is being honest with you.

Masturbation! Yep, the thoroughly unpleasant act that all people engage in when a wicked and erotic thought races through their mind. Everyone does it. They do! They sneak off to some private place and masturbate and so, given that everyone does masturbate, when the local Candidate tips up on your doorstep begging to be given your vote, you ask that single question to establish whether or not they are being honest with you.

You say, 'I've listened carefully to all you've said, I like the look of you, your eyes look fine to me, do you masturbate? If that person says, 'Never. I say never! I'd sooner cut me bloody hand off with an axe than engage in that sort of activity', you tell him to, ' be gone. Clear off you dishonest person'.

Now, the Candidate that says, 'I'm so pleased you've asked me about this. Yes I do. In fact, more than I should do if the truth be known', then he's the one who wins your vote.

This is the Candidate who you should vote for. Why? Because he's displayed honesty and despite the fact that he clearly is mentally unwell,he's displayed a willingness to say anything to win your vote.

Mind, don't go voting for the Candidate who staggers up your path, knocks on your door and begins masturbating in front of you. Don't put up with that. Tell him to clear off and call for the Constable demanding that steps are taken to prevent this politician returning and masturbating again.

I wouldn't put up with that! If any politician ever tips up on my doorstep masturbating in front of me Im going to take the matter further. I'll be damned if I put up with that.

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Good grief, Bobby!


I almost choked on my seeded bap reading this!


Your mind works in mysterious ways.......but I think you may have stumbled across a wonderful "Truth Test"


Simple, quick and effective......and much less hassle than the polygraph machine I keep in the cellar......strangely enough, I've yet to meet a doorstep canvasser who has accepted my invitation to be wired up to it!

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An alternative strategy (I hesitate to elaborate on the thoughts of King Bobby, so recently returned from Tapping Purdah) would be to ask them: "And have you ever played the pink piccolo?" 


I believe this question was first addressed to Benjamin Britten - or was it Leon Brittan - I always get them muddled up.  The one who wrote that discordant music and the rather nasty opera about a boy getting drowned?  Anyway, I think you get my general drift. 


And as we've all been transfixed by developments post Hall and Harris and Savile, may I draw Voice followers attention to a fascinating post to be accessed by going to:-


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I see Gridknocker that you've chosen to use the consonant, the letter 'L' in a particularly clever way. You can be sure of one thing, he won't be sailing around upon Morning Cloud enjoying the blessings of heaven. More than likely, he'll be suffering an eternity of being poked up the anus with a red hot poker, which, given the tragedy that was handed out to so many young children, is rather an apt punishment I think.

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Bloody inbox! 'Liar', they say. 'Prove it' and 'Nobody believes a single thing you say'. Sweet loving Jesus! Of course I can't prove it and frankly, given the limited time available to me, I wouldn't want to try and prove it. You'd be an odd sort carrying out observations upon Councillors in the hope that you could catch them masturbating. If detected, these elected people would be perfectly reasonable in demanding that some sort of draconian restraining order was gifted to me by the Magistrate in order to stop me prying into their daily activities. I'll be damned if I try and prove it!

Look, its all codswallop. It's all rubbish and its all from the mind of someone who's clearly in need of help from a trick cyclist. I've no control of it. It just comes rushing out. It's high times for some of you able to think in straight lines. Some, including me, haven't got the benefit of this thought process and see things from around the corner.

How many times have I got to say its all pigswill! Bloody hell. And to those who now say, 'you are encouraging folk to masturbate at your door step', I say, ' I bloody ain't.

Let me make this abundantly clear, if anyone ever, under any circumstances, tips up at my dwelling, rings the door bell and begins to masturbate, my first reaction is going to be a perfectly normal and rational one. It'll be, 'I hope they hurry up. I don't want to miss the head to head final on Pointless.'

And if ever this catches on, and hitherto good and honest folk do start to openly masturbating in public, it gathers momentum untill High Town becomes a place you'd wish to avoid, don't blame me. Don't ever blame me. Now stop bloody writing to me!

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