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Dogging Associations (a tribute to N.J)


bobby47
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During the past twelve months I've become increasingly concerned at how frequently my wife is playing bingo. It was only after I became stuck in a traffic jam on the New Bridge and a group of five Doggers suddenly leapt out and began Dogging on the bonnet of my car, did I realise that she wasn't playing bingo at all. Brazen strumpet!!!

Yes, we've all been aware of the growing membership of the Hoarwithy Dogging Association and, to some degree, we've all given their numbers tacit approval to carry on in their pursuit of personal gratification, but other Associations affiliated to Dogging are springing up all over the bloody place and its becoming nigh on impossible to fish down by the sewage works without people jumping out and writhing around whilst Im watching me Shimano quiver tip.

I for one have had a 'guts full' of it and I'll be damned if I stay silent anymore. From hereon, if any Doggers start writhing around by me Im going to tell them to 'clear off.'

During the last quarterly, we've now got The Tupsley Ten, the Dormington Dozen, the High Town One and the Holmer Hoard and I ain't for putting up with it any longer. Just because our society is on the fast slope to ruin, we're fiscally skint and bereft of hope, it doesn't mean we have to hurtle headlong into the depths of depravity. I say, to avoid lustful couples writhing around on the bonnets of our cars, lets switch the lights off, avoid traffic queues and get home and inside our houses as quickly as we possible can.

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Bobby - you truly are a fine and upstanding member of the community.

 

You have highlighted this issue to many who may have been going about their lives completely unaware of the shocking increase in this ,albeit free, passtime.

What you haven't mentioned, because I know you don't like to blow your own trumpet, is how you have selflessly given up many, many evenings and untold hours of your time, to investigate this unsavoury activity. Watching and waiting in order to gain the evidence that you need.

 

You have my utmost respect. As a community, we need to publicly say "Thankyou."

I am thinking a nomination to Positive Hereford, so that that nice Mr. Nenaditch can send you some flowers........!!!!!!

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First off, I fully agree with Dippy that King Bobby, for his selfless contribution to the maintenance of community standards along the Wye's riverbanks, needs to receive one of those nice floral garlands from that nice Mr Nenaditch who runs that nice 'Positive Hereford' website (enough 'nices' Nick?).

 

Secondly, I have nothing against The Masons per se.  If grown men want to walk down Kerle Street with one trouser leg rolled up to their knee, then I say let 'em do it.  It's a free country.

 

Similarly, I've got nothing whatsoever against that Nigel Farage and his Monster Raving Looney Party.  Good luck to 'em, I say.  I'll not be voting for 'em come May 2015 - in fact I won't be voting at all that day 'cause I'll be watching telly.  Though if that Liz Hurley was to stand for the Greens, and she came round canvassing in that dress that's just held together with safety pins, I think I might go up the Polling Station.

 

Where was I?  Oh yes - the Dogging Dilema.  I wrote to Fffffiona about this, but she chose not to publish my letter, giving preference to some old geezer called Johnson who was banging on about coal or coalition or summat.  Any road up, what I AM (raises voice for effect) getting exercised over is the news of the formation of the Hereford Masonic UKIP Dogging Association.  I understand that it plans to meet on alternate Wednesdays (which is late shopping night) on the floodlit roof of the Garrick Street multi-storey car park.  As I told Fffffiona, I fear that this could well have a deleterious effect on the footfall in the new Debenhams.  And if they chose to close (like C&As did some years ago in Maylords) we'll be well and truly up the Swanee. 

 

That thumping great brick monstrosity, standing up there on the Tesco roundabout for the next 99 years!  And all brought about because of the reckless depravity of Hoarwithy doggers.  Good on yer Bobby; keep policing the Wye riverbanks!

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Good Grief GridKnocker!

Are you sure you've got this right??

Alternate Wednesdays on the roof of the multi storey car park?

This will coincide with the fortnightly meeting of Hereford Jumpers Association (Sponsored by The Edinburgh Woollen Mill)

 

This could all get very messy indeed.......

 

(P.S. Can't believe Fffffiona wouldn't publish your letter!!

What's that?? Oh, She's not publishing anybody's letter, at least not online!!)

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I would like to point out that I am a Mason and proud, (where do you think I got the disguise from), as a matter of  fact we do roll up our trouser legs, but we don't do it in KYRLE Street ( please note I am not shouting, just emphasising the point with capital letters). We do however donate huge sums to charity, some of it is donated to support  disslecic, dstlative, dieex, people who have trouble reading, writing and spelling. I have a couple of black balls handy for grid knocker should he ever wish to join, just mention my name on the application form. I,m assuming that he is a he and not a she in which case I still have a couple, no on second thoughts I'd better not say it. 

 In the mean time can anyone put me in touch with a dogging group in Hinton? would they be called the Hinton Humpers? I think that they might meet in the car park at the Welsh Club as there seems to be a lot going on there late at night.not that I'm from Hinton,  but once again they seem to be missing out.

 

 On a more serious note I have given bobby47 a green arrow, no points for guessing who got the red one, I think it sour grapes on his part because we wont let him come to the Hereford Masonic UKIP Dogging Association Christmas Party, by the way our thanks to the Hereford Jumpers Association for changing their venue to the Cathedral Tower that night.

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Friends, bloggers, and those that want the lights switched neither on or off, but who, under difficult circumstances diligently recycle their rubbish, I admit I've strayed! Yeah I've strayed. Yeah I've left the path of the righteous and walked upon a path of the unrighteousness. Today, whilst minding me own bloody business, fishing for barbel on the banks of the Wye, I succumbed to temptation. Lucifer visited me, whispered in my ear and said, 'sin is good, fidelity is bad, you are a ninny and Jarvis is mad'. And what did I do that was so sinful? I'll bloody tell you and blast me bloody eyes for not secreting this sin from you all. I gave in to sin. Yeah, I went the whole nine yards. There'll be no redemption for me!

Some floozy, presumably detached from the Tupsley Troupe, came skipping up to me, chanting, 'How can your wife keep her hands off you'' and guided me into the bushes. A bloody Hawthorne bush if you must be so bloody nosey as to require all the details. And what did I do within that bush? I'll tell you what I did. I sinned! That's what I did. I cast aside our covenant with God and I engaged in an activity that can only be described as an abomination of human dignity.

Quite simply brothers, sisters I involved myself in Dogging! I've become a Dogger and anyone who says, 'no you didn't, didn't see me disappear into that accursed Hawthorne Bush with this strumpet dressed up in her flimsy nightie.

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I believe the strumpet in question was not only a member of the Hoarwithy branch of Doggers UK, but is to be seen featured on the 2014 edition of the 'Girls in Waders' calendar (March, I believe, but that's just hear-say), available on the top shelf of all sleezy newsagents.

 

So how many warning points for those transgressions, Colin?

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  • 5 months later...

Oh Bobby. The shame. Now you have 'outed', then no longer will you be able to partake of a glass of finest in the Commercial. Your weekly treat of a bag of scratchings will need to be quaffed elsewhere. You will have to find other, seedier surroundings for your imbuement. You should be hanging your head in shame, wearing a hair shirt and beating yourself vigorously with your quiver tip.

Nothing to do with the dogging, good luck to you, but fishing the Wye out of season, it's a capital offence! 

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