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Colin James

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Well, you'll not see me hanging out the bunting, twirling my majorette's baton and shouting, 'Hoorah!'. No Sir'ee. Not until I'm given some assurances that he ain't going to be prowling around at night on an Excercise, getting into my back garden and filling his bloody Bergen with my vegetables.

If I ever pop outside during the hours of darkness to empty the cat Litter Tray and I see McNab pulling up my carrots and my radish as he makes his way to the rendezvous point located on the westerly slopes of Craswall, Im going to belt him with me hoe and scream, 'clear off McNab. You've no business creeping around in my back garden. Be gone. Go bother some other hapless gardener. I ain't scared of you'.

And I ain't scared of Andy. Why would I be? I also once belonged to an elite unit who's motto was 'Dare To Fail'. Whenever a conflict was going badly my skipper used to call me forward and say, 'Bobby, the battle is going badly. We need a pointless futile gesture to give everyone a lift. I want you to leave your position, burrow beneath the wire, scurry out into No Man's Land and don't come back'.

And if Andy McNabb is reading this utter rubbish and he suddenly gets it into his head to pop round here and punch my fat face until his knuckles hurt, tell him to do his worst. He won't find me wanting in the courage department. Andy doesn't scare me. Never has and never will and I'll be damned if I sit back and allow him to wander around in my back garden purloining my root vegetables.

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