DILLIGAF Posted June 15, 2015 Report Share Posted June 15, 2015 Last week I accidentally overturned my golf buggy. A very attractive and keen golfer, heard the noise and called out, “Are you Okay?†“I’m Okay, thanks." I replied She then said "forget your troubles. Come to the 19th, and I'll help you get the buggy up later." "That's mighty sporting of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife would like it." "Oh, come on," She insisted. She was very pretty, very sexy and persuasive.... I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed, and added again, "but my wife won't like it." After a restorative cider or three, and some creative putting lessons, I thanked my host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset." "Don't be silly! She said with a smile, She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Under the cart" I said.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dippyhippy Posted June 16, 2015 Report Share Posted June 16, 2015 Brilliant, Dilligaf! Really made me chuckle! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greenknight Posted June 16, 2015 Report Share Posted June 16, 2015 I actually think we should have a little corner on the site to store such gems....what do you think Colin? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slim Posted June 16, 2015 Report Share Posted June 16, 2015 Oh yes please Colin. I could certainly provide humour. My sense of humour of course, but maybe some would like it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DILLIGAF Posted June 16, 2015 Author Report Share Posted June 16, 2015 A boy says to a girl, "So, sex at my place?" "Yeah!" "Okay, but I sleep in a bunk bed with my younger brother, and he thinks we're making sandwiches, so we have to have a code. Cheese means faster and tomato means harder, okay?" Later on the girl is yelling, "Cheese cheese, tomato tomato!" The younger brother says, "Stop making sandwiches! You're getting mayo all over my bed!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Colin James Posted June 17, 2015 Report Share Posted June 17, 2015 ha ha nothing like a good joke. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SON OF GRIDKNOCKER Posted June 17, 2015 Report Share Posted June 17, 2015 Agree with greenknight. If the Voice created a 'catch all' heading (Chuckle Corner or something like that), then stories like Dillgaf's amusing golf trolley story could be added as and when, 'cause the 'continuity' and 'thread relevance' would be their humour. PS: It might also - possibly - bring King Bobby back from his self-imposed silent retirement. I seem to recall he had some verey amusing anecdotes a couple of years back involving a) a river bank, b) a woman named Patricia and c) a large bramble bush. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dippyhippy Posted June 17, 2015 Report Share Posted June 17, 2015 Ahhh! Gridknocker! A blast from the past. This was all to do with Cllr. Pat Morgan's obsession with selling off the County's assets. Bobby was most concerned that this epidemic of flogging off things which didn't belong to her was going to get out of hand. I was moved to write a poem..... "Ode To The Member For Assets And Corporate Services." Our Bobby stood, rod in hand, Upon the banks of The Wye. He was taking a drag, Of his hand rolled f.a.g, When something caught his eye. From the shadows,a woman stepped, A smile she tried to crack, Then with an ear piercing cackle, She made a grab for his tackle, But Our Bobby, he fought back! "Let me sell it" pleaded she, But Bobby made a stand. "Back off Trish, I'm here to fish!" And he wrestled his rod from her hand. Patricia knew that she'd been beat, And shuffled off into the night. Bobby cradled his rod, And gave thanks to his God, Twas a moving and memorable sight. By. D. Hippy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SON OF GRIDKNOCKER Posted June 18, 2015 Report Share Posted June 18, 2015 Thanks Dip! Happy memories. Wonder whatever happened to the old curmudgeon? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DILLIGAF Posted June 21, 2015 Author Report Share Posted June 21, 2015 According to Tetley, the best way to make a cuppa is to agitate the bag. So every morning I slap her on the 4r5e and say "Two sugars fatty"!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DILLIGAF Posted June 22, 2015 Author Report Share Posted June 22, 2015 WELCOME to 2015: • Our Phones – Wireless • Cooking – Fireless • Cars – Keyless • Food – Fatless • Tires –Tubeless • Dress – Sleeveless • Youth – Jobless • Leaders – Shameless • Relationships – Meaningless • Attitudes – Careless • Babies – Fatherless • Feelings – Heartless • Education – Valueless • Children – Mannerless • Country – Godless We are SPEECHLESS, Government is CLUELESS, And our MPs WORTHLESS ! I'm scared – S*@tless …and This is "Priceless". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ragwert Posted June 22, 2015 Report Share Posted June 22, 2015 Hi All,This is serious. Please BEWARE!Over the last month I became a victim of a clever 'Eastern European'scam while out shopping.Simply dropping into Tesco's for a bit of shopping resulted in the following...... Don't be naïve enough to think it won't happen to you or your friends.Here's how the scam works:Two very good looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls came over to my car as I was packing my shopping into the boot. They both started cleaning my windscreen, their boobs almost falling out of their skimpyT-shirts.When I thanked them and offered them a tip, they said 'No' and instead asked me for a lift to another supermarket.I agreed and they both got in the back seat. On the way, they started undressing, and both got completely in the buff.Then, when I pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbed over into the front seat and started crawling all over my lap, trying to kiss me and touch me intimately, thrusting herself against me. While the other one stole my wallet!I had my wallet stolen May 14th, 19th, 20th, twice on the 25th, 27th, 30th. Also June 3rd, 7th, 10th, 14th and twice yesterday. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dippyhippy Posted June 22, 2015 Report Share Posted June 22, 2015 Err. Ragwert. Sounds as if you've fallen foul of exactly the same scam as poor old Clarkester. He posted this warning last week on the forum! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DILLIGAF Posted June 22, 2015 Author Report Share Posted June 22, 2015 I saw two policeman chasing some bloke today, so as he went past me I stuck my leg out. Big mistake. The car broke my tibia in four place… Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lovemykoalabear Posted June 22, 2015 Report Share Posted June 22, 2015 Hahaha these are really funny ðŸ‘ðŸ»ðŸ˜‚👌ðŸ»xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roger Posted June 22, 2015 Report Share Posted June 22, 2015 Welcome LMKB ! Not sure I got the energy to type out your full user name! :-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ragwert Posted June 23, 2015 Report Share Posted June 23, 2015 Err. Ragwert. Sounds as if you've fallen foul of exactly the same scam as poor old Clarkester. He posted this warning last week on the forum! Doing the rounds on Facebook too :-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DILLIGAF Posted June 23, 2015 Author Report Share Posted June 23, 2015 Doing the rounds on Facebook too :-) What's that? Is it a library or something?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ragwert Posted June 23, 2015 Report Share Posted June 23, 2015 Problems with book bought from AmazonMe: Tracking shows delivered but shipment not received Amazon: Warmest greetings [...] my name is Thor. Me: Greetings, Thor. Can I be Odin? Amazon: Odin, Father, How art thy doing on this here fine day? Me: Thor, my son. Agony raises upon my life. Amazon: This is outrageous! Who dares defy The All Father Odin! What has occurred to cause this agony? Me: I'm afraid the book I ordered to defeat our enemies has been misplaced. How can we keep Valhalla intact without our sacred book? Amazon: This is blasphemy! Wherever this book has been taken to, I shall make it my duty to get it back to you! I fear it is Loki but I dare not blame him for such things. I shall have your fortune returned to you and thereafter we can create a new quest in order to get the book back to you. Me: Very well my son. Amazon: Allow me some time to round up my allies and complete this my father. Me: Do it for me Thor, but most importantly do it for the mortals whose destiny (and grades) rely on this book. Amazon: Alas, the treasure has been returned to you. You now need to reinstate your book into your archive so that you may yet receive it soon. I shall have the Valkyrie deliver it to you as fast as their wings can move. Me: Ok so roleplay aside I have my money back and reorder the book? Amazon: haha yes I have refunded you and you need to reorder the book. Me: Great! Amazon: Have you placed the order Me: Let me do thatdone Amazon: Okay let me edit it for you [...] that good? Me: Wow hooking me up for one day delivery? Sweet! Amazon: Haha yea man gotta get your book asap! Me: I've heard Amazon has great customer service and this just proves it! thanks man Amazon: No problem, is there any other issue or question that I can help you with? Me: Nah that was it. Really appreciate it Amazon: Anytime bro. Have a great day. Goodbye Odin Me: Bye my son. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DILLIGAF Posted July 10, 2015 Author Report Share Posted July 10, 2015 What with all the crime and violence in the news lately I'd just like to add that prison does infact work. Nelson Mandela - 27 years in prison and hasn't reoffended since!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.