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Lets Beat The Syphillis!


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I see Bill bloody Norman has been shoving his weight around and stopped me raising much needed funds for the W.G.T.S. Oh we've had the letter that's heavily loaded with The Latin and banning the parachute jump because of public safety issues.

Basically my mate Arthur who fought in at least three World Wars was going to fly me up in his Cessna, reach an altitude of fifteen thousand feet up above Widemarsh Common, I was going to jump out together with an old MFI flat pack wardrobe and during my fall toward terra firma I was going to assemble the wardrobe, shut the doors, deploy the parachute and when I landed, I'd open the doors to be greeted to applause for my part in this remarkable feat on human recklessness. Course, Norman, being all high and bloody mighty reckoned that having a roof on the wardrobe would make deploying the parachute near on impossible and, if I didn't manage to fix the bloody hinges properly to the doors, folk minding their own business living beneath my drop zone would be subjected to untold horrors if ever the flat pack landed on their heads.

That said, Bill has settled an argument with the W.G.T.S and me. I wasn't entirely happy to jump on behalf of We've Got The Syphillis. I'd begged them to change their name to the T.G.T.S. My thoughts were when I opened the doors of the wardrobe I didn't want to be met by folk saying, 'Bravo! You wouldn't think he'd got the Syphillis would you'. I wouldn't want that because I have not got The Syphillis and anyone who says I have is a liar and an embellisher. I have not got The Syphillis!

But, no, they wouldn't agree to 'They've Got The Syphillis' and frankly who can blame them and so the whole fund raising thing has been cancelled because of Bill and his heavy handed approach to good men and women who've behaved in a promiscuous way and through no fault of their own they caught the terrible disease The Syphillis.

I'll tell you now, if Bill ever comes knocking on my door and asks, 'if you catch The Syphillis do you get a bright red itchy rash around the testicals', I'll say, 'How would I bloody know. I have not got the Syphillis and I resent you thinking that I have.' I'd tell him, 'clear off. Go bother someone else. This is a good God fearing family home and when we agree to intercourse with folk we know little about we ensure that we wear a bunch of ribbed strawberry flavoured condoms. Now buggar off and don't come back'.

Mind, I ain't saying Bill has The Syphillis. Not at all. And if Bill reads this pigswill and mutters, 'how does he know about the rash around my testicals', I don't know. It was just a lucky guess.

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Now come along, Bobby - Man Up!!


If you have your heart set on throwing yourself out of a small aircraft and hurtling towards the earth, strapped to a wardrobe, then you should go for it!


I'll sponsor you.....£5.00 and a bag of scratchings to eat in the ambulance, I mean on the way home! (Honestly, you'll be fine!)

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Bobby, I've found the flaw in your plan, it is the use of an 'inanimate object', namely, the old MFI flat pack wardrobe.

Have you considered a bit of escapology?

You could leap out of your mates Cessna at fifteen thousand feet wearing that 'special jacket', that those nice young men in their clean white coats help you to put on each morning, remove it during the fall, and throw it into the crowd when you land.

Oh dear, I've just made the supposition that they allow you out of your 'special jacket' once in a while, which makes me think, "How does Bobby manage to type with his arms strapped across his chest"?

Oh dear oh dear, I've just thought how you could do it. I hope Mrs Bobby has lots of disinfectant wipes for the keyboard!

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Bambi are you suggesting wot I think you are?! that bobby has a talent which may be view as unique & that's he uses something other than his little pinkies to tap,tap tapping away???……does anyone know if it is possible to catch syphillis from a keyboard??

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Cambo, it would be far above my station to make assumptions about Good King Bobby's vast and various array of talents, but they don't call it a 'lap top' for nothing!!

However, I do have it from a most unreliable source that what he can do with a mug of PG tips and a packet of jammy dodgers is nothing short of miraculous - disgusting, but miraculous! 

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