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Runners and Riders


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Before you head for Ladbrokes on Monday morning, just run your eye down this race card to see if you can spot the winner.                      

David Davis  The first government Brexit Minister who should have seen it through to the end. Instead, there have been three further ministers.

Liam Fox  All anyone can remember about him is that he used to have a friend called Adam.

Michael Gove  Good at gurning. But gurning lost popularity in the era of the Victorian music hall.

Matt Hancock  His permanently vacant expression says it all: “Lights out, nobody home.”

Jeremy Hunt  The numpty with the Assad-like jug ears.

Savid Javid  The self-satisfied slaphead who chose to take his daughter on a £1700-a-night safari, instead of meeting Port Talbot steelworkers.

Boris Johnson  Now being described as ‘The pneumatic huckster’. That new haircut won’t garner many votes from the 1922 Committee.

Andrea Leadsom  Alleged Leader of the House who seems to have difficulty knowing which day of the week it is.

Dominic Raab  On 29 March he voted for the deal he had resigned from the Cabinet over in order to vote against it. Priceless.

Amber Rudd  The Home Secretary who couldn’t say how many Windrush  migrants were forcibly repatriated to the West Indies.

Gavin Williamson  Former fireplace salesman, being heavily tipped by the Daily Mail, who describes him as having “matinée idol good looks.”

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Now that we’ve got the Grand National out of the way, let’s take a look at the runners and riders who are getting saddled up and being gently eased into their racing stalls in readiness for the next big race: The Tory Leadership Handicap.

The bookies’ Dream Ticket to run against current favorite Bo-Jo are Savid Javid & Jacob Rees-Mogg (a slaphead and a top-hatted toff. What a combination). Then there’s the unrivaled intellect of Sir Nicholas Soames paired with Dennis ‘The Beast of Bolsover’ Skinner. Known throughout Westminster as The Dim-witted Duo are David Davis & Chris Grayling, with the latter still having difficulty assembling the HornbyDublo kit Santa brought him last Christmas, let alone building Crossrail or HST2. For glamour and good looks there’s Yvette Cooper partnering the diminutive Liam Fox. And bringing up the rear of the field (and presently refusing to be walked into the stalls) are Chuka Umunna and Arlene Foster. The Daily Mail’s Golden Boy, former fireplace salesman Gavin Williamson, has had to scratch as he’s busy preparing to flood the streets of post-Brexit Britain with tanks, artillery and armed troops.


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