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Bill Norman ruined the Nativity


bobby47
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The Christmas Nativity didn't go well down the Commercial today. Oh, it started off well enough. Me and the lads supped a dozen pints, sang a few Carols and said our Lords Prayer, but once me and the cast got into our positions for the traditional Nativity scene, it quickly descended into chaos.

Firstly, I said to the lads, 'lads thank you for nominating me to play Jesus for the second year running. Now, before I climb up into this Manger, wrapped in these nicely bound swaddling clothes and start snuggling up to Nora who's playing me Mother Mary, I want to make it clear that I'll be damned if Nora breast feeds me again this year.' I told the lads, 'lads, I dont want to be breast fed again, Nora is eighty and she cannot possibly lactate and whilst she and I fully appreciate your artistic direction, we've both agreed not to do the breast feeding scene'.

Course, the lads weren't happy. The Shepherds, the three bloody wise men and the Angel Gabriel were just about to kick off when all of a sudden there came a hollering and a yelling, 'I'm King Herod and Im here to kill the first born'. Course, cognisant that we didn't have a bloody Herod in the cast, I raised me fat face from beneath Nora's busums and yelled, 'who comes yelling something about killing the first born, or in this case, bloody me laid here in this Manger?'

And who was it? Bloody Bill Norman that's who. I said, 'clear off Bill. This is the Commercial Nativity Play and nobody cast you as King rotten Herod. Be gone. Get back to Plough Lane and join your own Nativity celebrations thank you very much.'

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Once again, it was a magnificent performance!

 

It had everything.....and then some!

 

I left The Commercial, full of Christmas spirit, festive cheer, and a feeling of goodwill towards all men.......until I tried to get a taxi to pop me up Whitecross Road.

 

Admittedly, dressed as the Angel Gabrielle, complete with Doc Martin boots, I may have looked a tad strange.....but c'mon, it IS Christmas!!

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The Council saw an alternate delivery model for this years nativity play.

 

The script was written by the legal team and representatives from Hoople and Herefordshire Futures were drafted in to Direct and Produce the pantomime. Savings to the Council for the production are expected to run into hundreds of thousands of pounds over the life of the 25 year Contract.

 

The cast wore expensive designer suits and instead of a donkey, Cllr Morgan playing the Virgin Mary arrived in a peddle car waving a decision notice from the planning department.

 

The three Kings abandoned the traditional gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh in favour of a compromise agreement, 10% money off vouchers for Debenhams and a signed photograph of the Chief Executive.

 

The performance of the night should go to Mr Norman who played the Inn keeper. How he managed to keep a straight face when he delivered the line, "there's no room at Hereford Council try the Wirral or Torbay," I will never know! Mary screamed "let me in I'm about to produce the son of God and the sign above the door clearly says here you can!" The cabinet had been briefed to scream "on no you cant!" And where so on cue it was obvious they'd spent some time practicing.

 

Apologies read by the Councils Finance Officer stated the CE was unable to make the event citing financial restraints, the CE had been forced to work from home since April having used up all his travel allowance for the current financial year.

 

The Finance Director was given a standing ovation when he promised the audience that recent savings made in the depletion of front line staff would enable him to double next years expenses allowances. The room erupted when he pledged to find money to increase the Senior Management structure by a third and purchase more seating for the canteen after complaints that Senior Managers were not only expected to carry their own trays but had been forced to wait for a window seat.

 

The highlight of the evening was undoubtedly the mud fight between the leader Cllr Johnson and Cllr James, held during the interval. Cllr Johnson took an early lead hurtling mud into the eyes of an unsuspecting Cllr James effectively blinding him. You could have heard a pin drop when Cllr James calmly wiped the mud from his eyes took a piece of 2 by 4 out from under his coat, dipped it into a bucket of shite leapt across the room like a ninja on speed and smacked the leader across the back of the head.

 

Cllr James speaking after the event defended his actions stating, he'd spent the last 12 months wading through the shite peddled by Councillor Johnson and wanted to give him an understanding of what it felt like when your heads about to explode.

 

Sources close to the Leader said he is recovering well and was last seen on a trolley in a corridor at the County Hospital mumbling "I don't need to know anything about staff issues its not in my remit.

 

A truly magnificent evening tickets for Conservative Councillors are free, Directors will receive an undisclosed sum in their January pay packet. Front line staff will need written permission from the Director of service, entry will be free on receipt of a signed agreement forfeiting any pay rise for the next 5 years. Due to data protection legislation members of the public will be unable to attend and Councillors from opposition parties are welcome to watch the show online at www.herefordshiredigitalshite.com

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