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Bill Norman and his Dough!


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Course, dough is a remarkable substance. It really is. It's a very fascinating substance that contains, water, some yeast and of course the main ingredient cereal grain. Cereal grain is an essential part of creating the dough and though many have tried not to use it, few would argue that to create dough you must put ground up cereal grain into the water and the yeast to create what you wanted to create, which is of course the dough.

Now, once you've got your dough, its no good shouting, 'hoorah! Dough! The very thing I was trying to create'. No what you must do then is knead the dough. It's essential that dough be kneaded to create the sticky and elastic substance that when baked is turned into bread.

I've written a book about it. It's a book that highlights the recipe for dough, the actual kneading process and of course the final outcome Bread. Yes I've written a book about it. A book outlining my experiences kneading dough. It goes into great detail about my personal experiences kneading dough. I've titled the book, 'My Experiences Kneading Dough'.

Course, when I handed the book to my literary agent he said, 'this is the most boring book that's ever been written. You need to make it more interesting.'

And so I did. Essentially I kept the whole dough thing in the book which told the reading world about me kneading the dough in the bakery, day in, day out, over and over and over again. But, to make it more interesting I incorporated the presence of thirty six scantily clad buxom strumpets who hid behind the oven whilst I was kneading the dough and every so often when they tired of hiding they'd all emerge and ravish me, howling, 'you are the most desirable man in this bakery'.

That seemed to do the trick. Mind, when the Literary Agent reached chapter six titled, ' thirty six women were hiding in the bakery whilst I was kneading dough' I confess I felt alarmed when the agent began to masturbate in front of me.

Course, I didn't say anything. I mean, if I'd said, 'I must protest. I didn't travel all the way down here to watch you masturbate', chances are he'd have shown me the door and told me to clear off. Anyway, after he'd ejaculated and me being very keen to break the intolerable silence, I said, 'it's a lovely read isn't it. I noticed you were particularly keen on Chapter Six'. He said, 'frankly the previous five chapters were the most boring words I've ever read but I liked Chapter Six. Have you considered having a higher number of women hiding in the bakery. S.ex does sell?'

Course, that's the moment when I felt my artistic ability was being undermined by a man who loved Chapter Six, so I told him straight. I said, 'I've been kneading dough for forty years and I know how many women can hide in the bakery and how many cant and being cognisant of the bakery's dimensions Im telling you now there is no way that you can fit anymore that thirty seven people in. Me and thirty six women is all your bloody getting thank you very much'.

Mind, I've also incorporated some violence and intrigue into the story. In Chapter Sixteen, titled, 'I shot him with my small pocket Derringer' I tell how Herefordshire Council Chief Legal Officer entered the shop waving a cheque for one hundred and forty six thousand pounds shouting, ' I've suddenly become loaded thanks to the tax payers on the Wirral'.

I know! Your wondering about the intrigue. Where is the intrigue" Give us all our intrigue. Well the bloody intrigue is firstly why I was ever in possession of a small pocket Derringer that I concealed beneath a Crusty Cob Roll and secondly why give the man all that money and then try and hide it from the rate paying public. That's the intrigue!

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A blog which can combine cooking with sex needs a TV programme Bobby – just look at Nigella for example.   I sure once her producer reads your blog an offer will be made with suggestions that your doppelganger George Clooney plays your role - Domestic Dough God turned sleuth. 


Whilst preparing a large Forcaccia you could aim pertinent and penetrating questions at councils at which Bill (Aah Bisto!) Norman has been employed.  Firstly why did he leave Torbay on a gravy train?  Secondly why did he leave Wirral on another one under the pretence his post had been made redundant?  Thirdly why in a matter of months at Herefordshire Council was he given a huge pay rise under the guise that he had taken on more responsibilities? 


This man is a definite £ magnet, but why?

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