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If I was the Council Watchdog.


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If I ever was appointed to this Office, I'd have a suit of clothes befitting my status as the Watchdog and I'd be found in a small wooden hut at the back of the Town Hall.

My role would be simple and straightforward. To reward good performance and punish those that had underperformed and wasted public funds.

I'd interview all the Council tiers of management. And there's lots and lots of them. To many for my liking. They'd come to my hut and I'd, 'Hello what a lovely day' and I'd reassure them that the huge hyper dermic needle containing a generous dose of Sodium Pentaphol would only be accutely painful for some five minutes.

Then, after delivering this highly effective truth serum and giving the recipient time to become sedated and unable to defy my will, I'd say, 'Is your role within the Council of benefit to the public', to which they'd no doubt say, 'Excellent question. My job is a complete waste of the publics money. Thank you very much.' I'd then say, 'What would a reasonable person do given that you and your job are pointless?. Of course the answer would be, 'Dismiss me straight away and save yourself a lot of time and expense. I'm a complete waste of time if my opinion is worth a jot'

Then after they had recovered I'd give them a slice of Melon and reveal to them the results of my findings informing them that they were sacked.

As for the Waster's of Public Funds and I have in mind the inner circle of the Council Leadership (Note..Not you Glenda and no other Independent Councillor) they of course would enter my hut and I'd say,' You did a wonderful job lasty week when you directed Amey to fill in a pothole'. He or she would of course be pleased and reply, 'Thank you very much. Its nice to know I'm appreciated'. And to reward them for their good work I'd give them a piece of chocolate and point out, 'Isnt chocolate lovely. Its Cadburys you know and if you do well there's plenty more where that came from'.

But then I'd mention the other things. The things that upset us all. The things that require something other than a piece of Cadburys chocolate. Afterall you'd be a fool to give one of our leaders a piece of chocolate if they'd underperformed or wasted our funds.

I'd then say,' you've wasted an awful lot of money recently. The Hereford Sign for example that says 'Here You Can'. He or she would of course understandably argue their point and I of course would be a fool not to hear them out. But then I'd have to punish them for wasting public funds.

I'd then deliver my verdict and punish them by shoving their fingers into a domestic household electric socket.

They of course would then be compelled to ride the lightening bolt and experience 250 volts coarsing through their body. Mind you, it would'nt be anything terminal. Just ten or fifteen seconds of electricity to encourage them not to waste anymore of our cash.

These of course are just ideas. If they dont like chocolate they could have a custard slice or a sweet.

I'm also equally open minded about the electric shock treatment. It could be something less intrusive and frightening such as being hit with an instrument across their toes or fingers.

What you think?

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An excellent response Frank lad. Thoughtful, articulate and imaginative. You've cleverly used five letters then put them together in a sequence to come up with the word 'weird'.

It's called satire Frank. It's not meant to be overtly funny but intended only to grab the attention of the reader and make them 'think'.

I've clearly failed in your case and I can only apologise Frank and tell you that in future, unless of course I blow my brains out, I'll confine my ramblings to weeds, pot holes and all the other interesting events that take place in and around our community.

My very warmest regards to you.

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